Events (Blog)

Stations of a Mother’s Walk

… rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. (Romans 8-15:16)

The news trembled through my mind. My world was about to be turned upside down. The vision of the garden of life before me turned into ashes. I was unable to see the beauty because the weeds began to choke out my trust. Three words, and my heart was pierced by the sword of pain… “It is terminal.”

I regained my strength as I walk out of the hospital. Wanting to take their pain away. Two sons. Each carrying their own cross as the doctors share, there is nothing we can do to cure them. The pain in my heart aches as the news penetrates deeper.

I remain by their side as we stumble to learn our new way of life. My heart throbs as treatments fail. The weight of the cross grows heavier as they grow weary and stumble. One after another, their motor functions are lost.  Their muscle deterioration begins to be noticeable. Their external frame transforms to a weaker version of their self.

My eyes fill with tears. The anguish compresses on my heart making it difficult to breathe. Both of them are searching for answers. Answers that neither the doctors nor myself have. Their eyes fill with confusion, yet a glimmer of hope shines within. Their trust becomes my trust. God pours into us, providing courage to fight. Together we step forward through the pain.

Each step is heavy. I can’t see the end, but God does. The unknown is unsettling, but my faith in Jesus is stronger.  The weight of the cross grows heavier as their bodies grow weaker. Treatments continue to fail, questions stir, anxiety lingers, yet hope in our Heavenly Father prevails.

I continue to push forward. Encouraging both of them to stay the course. Knowing in my heart that there is more than this time on earth. Knowing we were meant for an eternal life with God.

Their bodies become fragile. No longer able to physically move, but spiritually they are moving closer to Jesus. In their stillness they begin to grow stronger in faith. They begin to pull away from me, as they draw closer to their Father.

Those around them begin to weep. Yet, both Leo and Trent are filled with peace. Total acceptance of the path in front of them. Each day releasing the grip on things of the world. Each day grasping more firmly to the hand of God.

We are almost there. The end of the journey. The end of their pain. The continuation of mine. My heart is pounding as the reality sets in. This is life. This is death. This is trust in the One true King. The King of Peace and eternal glory.

They are stripped of all human dignity. Unable to perform the most basic functions and tasks.  Complete reliance of care. Completely relying on the Lord.

Their breath begins to fade as my begins to labor. Their hearts are strong, but their bodies are weak. My body too becomes weak. Resting alongside them, with my hand upon their chest. I feel life slipping away. My heart is crushed by the weight of this pain.

The light in their eyes goes out. I lay beside them as their last breath is exhaled, and the final beat of their heart is released. I close my eyes and I hear the sound of their first cry. The moment they were placed in my arms alive with life. It is now echoed by my cry as they leave it, leaving my arms empty.

God’s faithful love settles quickly on my heart. He whispers, “They live. Your boys. My children. They are Home.” My tears turn to joy as I then realize, I did my job as a mother.

I gave them love so they learned how to love.

I nurtured and guided them so they developed

characteristics of empathy, kindness, generosity, and hope.

I did my best to be an example of my words. I encourage them to want to walk alongside Jesus. They then showed me the peace we have when we keep stride with Him.

Through my journey of motherhood I came to realize, these were Your children before they were mine. The love that I have for them was only out measured by the love that You have for Your children.

I was entrusted with their lives. With the realization that I would one day be asked…”Release them from your grasp. It is time for them to come Home to their Father.”

And with a heart that tried to mirror that of our Heavenly Mother, I found myself pondering Gods ways. “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” With that thought, I unclenched my fist and opened my heart to You, my Lord.

Whether here on earth or in Heaven above, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there.

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